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One Man Gang
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« Reply #108 on: June 13, 2010, 11:15:30 PM » |
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Boy, I feel SO much safer knowing our government is on the case:  |
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They are the arguments that kings have made for enslaving the people in all ages of the world. You will find that all the arguments in favor of king-craft were of this class; they always bestrode the necks of the people, not that they wanted to do it, but because the people were better off for being ridden. - A. Lincoln
"Obama was lying." - Gray 7/24/2010
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rudedog
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« Reply #109 on: June 16, 2010, 07:42:51 PM » |
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More from the mouths of babes...
Bible Study Humor
LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said pr oudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
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One Man Gang
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« Reply #110 on: June 30, 2010, 08:52:55 PM » |
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For the musically inclined:  |
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They are the arguments that kings have made for enslaving the people in all ages of the world. You will find that all the arguments in favor of king-craft were of this class; they always bestrode the necks of the people, not that they wanted to do it, but because the people were better off for being ridden. - A. Lincoln
"Obama was lying." - Gray 7/24/2010
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Sasquatch
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« Reply #111 on: July 01, 2010, 12:16:03 PM » |
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You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.........
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and
think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the
ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
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DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-Sam in California .
DEAR SAM: Register as a Republican and run for public office.
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BTX
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« Reply #112 on: July 02, 2010, 04:47:01 PM » |
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Didn't read the thread, so SIAP...
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she chose such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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One Man Gang
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« Reply #113 on: July 03, 2010, 07:19:14 AM » |
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On sale now:  |
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They are the arguments that kings have made for enslaving the people in all ages of the world. You will find that all the arguments in favor of king-craft were of this class; they always bestrode the necks of the people, not that they wanted to do it, but because the people were better off for being ridden. - A. Lincoln
"Obama was lying." - Gray 7/24/2010
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BTX
Whine and Biscuit King
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Roided-up Hobbit
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« Reply #114 on: July 07, 2010, 03:06:22 PM » |
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A red head and a blonde are talking about their latest sexual conquests. The red head says "I had sex with a brazillian at the world cup!" The blonde responds "You're such a slut.....how many is a brazillian anyway, more than a million?"
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One Man Gang
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« Reply #115 on: August 01, 2010, 10:43:10 PM » |
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Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:....... Bill is a bullsh*t artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:.... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :...... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :...... Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
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They are the arguments that kings have made for enslaving the people in all ages of the world. You will find that all the arguments in favor of king-craft were of this class; they always bestrode the necks of the people, not that they wanted to do it, but because the people were better off for being ridden. - A. Lincoln
"Obama was lying." - Gray 7/24/2010
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One Man Gang
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« Reply #116 on: August 08, 2010, 10:02:36 AM » |
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Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them , "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
They unplugged the Computer and threw out my beer.
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They are the arguments that kings have made for enslaving the people in all ages of the world. You will find that all the arguments in favor of king-craft were of this class; they always bestrode the necks of the people, not that they wanted to do it, but because the people were better off for being ridden. - A. Lincoln
"Obama was lying." - Gray 7/24/2010
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rudedog
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« Reply #117 on: August 21, 2010, 07:38:54 PM » |
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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like: being spanked every day by an attractive middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for, later in life."
Elmo Phillips
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" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
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"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
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"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
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"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
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"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
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"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
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"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
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"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
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"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
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"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
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" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
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" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
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The One Man Gang
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Thunderin' Jayzus! Didja think I was dead!?!?!
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« Reply #118 on: February 12, 2011, 07:57:32 PM » |
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Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die!!!
Via our cousins across the Pond ...
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.
A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
MBNA:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you .... The part about her being dead?'
MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson'
(Lawyer info given)
MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.'
(fax number is given)
After MBNA gets the fax:
MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
MBNA:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'
MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
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Please use your comments on this post to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Kindly forgo all civility in your discourse. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Thank you.
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rudedog
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« Reply #119 on: February 16, 2011, 12:12:19 PM » |
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Lessons from Football
#1 Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas ' - Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
#2. 'After you retire, there's only one big event left.... and I ain't ready for that.' - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
#3. 'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas
#4. 'When you win, nothing hurts.' - Joe Namath / Alabama
#5.. 'Motivation is simple ... You eliminate those who are not motivated.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas
#6. 'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, 'Roll, tide, roll!' - Bear Bryant / Alabama
#7. 'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
#8. 'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' - Woody Hayes / Ohio State
#9.. 'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.' - Bob Devaney / Nebraska
#10. 'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' - Wally Butts / Georgia
#11. 'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life..' - Paul Dietzel / LSU
#12. 'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama
#13. When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world: 'No, but you can see it from here.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas
#14. 'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama
#15. 'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring---give us the ball near the goal line.' - Matty Bell / SMU
#16. 'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
#17. 'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' - Alex Karras / Iowa
#18. 'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' -Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
#19. 'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
#20. 'Always remember...Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' - Shug Jordan / Auburn
#21. 'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' - Darrell Royal / Texas
#22. 'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
#23.. 'They whipped us like a tied up goat.' - Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
#24. 'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good..' - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
#25. 'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
#26. 'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
#27. After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' - John McKay / USC
#28. 'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' - Murray Warmath / Minnesota
#29. 'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
#30. 'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.' - Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
#31. 'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
#32. 'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches....' - Darrell Royal / Texas
#33. 'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking..' - Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School
#34. 'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.' - Darrell Royal / University of Texas
#35. 'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
#36. 'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.' - John Heisman
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