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rudedog
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« on: October 07, 2008, 10:34:18 AM » |
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Since OMG is asleep at the wheel, here is the latest joke thread.  NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS: CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my financial advisor has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Former investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use. |
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rudedog
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« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2008, 11:09:55 AM » |
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The Priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The Priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The Priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession #2
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The Priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The Priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The Priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession #3
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon's Dog Died
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish Priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ye' be sayin' a Mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ye' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ye' tell me the dog was Catholic?'
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plumbervol
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« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2008, 05:11:42 PM » |
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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.; "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
----------------------------------------------
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret, and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She finally says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”
The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six carthwheels on your way to the altar.”
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« Last Edit: October 08, 2008, 05:13:36 PM by plumbervol »
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 That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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rudedog
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« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2008, 10:47:30 AM » |
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Confucius Say: *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch  should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* |
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plumbervol
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« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2008, 09:34:06 AM » |
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2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in and drowns immedietly. the second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. the grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, i'll go across the bridge.
What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!
Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.
A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank frig for that i thought i had gone deaf!"
Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?
Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
(Adam Ferrara)
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.
Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.
Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!
Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.
How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard
Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.
How do you get a woman dizzy?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to go to a corner.
A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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plumbervol
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« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2008, 09:44:12 AM » |
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Why don't women blink during sex?
They don't have time!
A man was riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert, so the man turned to his camel.
When he tried to position himself to have sex with his camel, the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused and started running away again. So, he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said, "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you mister."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"
A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Ten pounds," he replies. "We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator. About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds! That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds." "We’ll send someone over." The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds! That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!" "Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot." The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!" About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”
It’s the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date’s house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.
“Have a seat,” the old man says. “Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute.” The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. “You know,” the dad says, “my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat.” He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. “Yup, yup,” the dad continues. “She loves that screwing. Just can’t get enough of it.”
When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. “Damn it, Daddy!” she screams. “The twist! It’s called the twist!”
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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plumbervol
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« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2008, 08:11:09 AM » |
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. .
Today you voted.'
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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rudedog
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« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2008, 10:00:55 PM » |
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This is an oldie but goodie!
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a
tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days
when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as
they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while
talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give
you a gesture!
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One
is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what
was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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plumbervol
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« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2008, 05:00:47 AM » |
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A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.
She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
But if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
----------------
Underwear is Important
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. When the wife returned there was a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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plumbervol
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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2008, 05:42:52 AM » |
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The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun
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That Which Doesn't Break Me, Only Makes Me Stronger Reflections on 12 years of Catholic Education.It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder". |
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The One Man Gang
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Thunderin' Jayzus! Didja think I was dead!?!?!
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« Reply #10 on: November 16, 2008, 10:14:18 AM » |
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I always tear up when I read stories that have happy endings ... From the Commonwealth ... When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an a**hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a**hole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an a**hole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is...' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an a**hole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called A**hole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an a**hole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah.' He screamed, 'Stop calling me!' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'A**hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,' and hung up. Then I called A**hole No. 2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, a**hole.' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your a**,' I answered, 'Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the sh*t out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management works!! H/T http://terpsboy.com/Articles/ANGERMANAGEMENT.html |
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« Last Edit: November 21, 2008, 04:59:28 PM by onemangang »
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Please use your comments on this post to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Kindly forgo all civility in your discourse. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Thank you.
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The One Man Gang
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Legion of the Miserable
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Thunderin' Jayzus! Didja think I was dead!?!?!
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« Reply #11 on: November 21, 2008, 04:54:47 PM » |
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From the Land Down Under: http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,24676341-5006301,00.html?from=public_rssMan fined $600 for penis in pasta jar
November 19, 2008 07:30pm
A MAN caught by police with his penis submerged in a pasta sauce jar was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest, a court has been told.
Police drew their weapons after New South Wales man Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, led them on a brief, slow-speed car chase, the Newcastle Herald reports. Now it gets a little bit strange Weatherley attracted police attention while he was parked in a no-stopping zone near Nobby's Beach on October 26, Newcastle Local Court was told yesterday.
Police thought he might have a weapon because they saw him doing something with his hands in his lap, the Herald said. Now it gets a bit, erm, kinky: Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.
That's when the pursuit began, the court was told.
When Weatherley was stopped, he refused to leave his car and four officers used batons and capsicum spray to get him out.
They found a 750ml jar around his penis and said Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling". Mmmm! Pizza sauce! And here's where it gets bizarre: A search of his car uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier. "No, George! Not the livestock!!!" Rim shot: it's unclear whether Mr. Weatherly was visiting Oz from Alabama, or Arkansas.  |
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« Last Edit: November 21, 2008, 04:58:21 PM by onemangang »
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Please use your comments on this post to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Kindly forgo all civility in your discourse. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Thank you.
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